full disclosure, i think his church has been accused of being a cult and taking advantage of underage girls. i mean, come on. that's no different than james franco using instagram to meet hot children. good night, and long live the audience member of the week. [♪] >> from comedy central ealz world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one tonight. my guest colin firth. [cheers and applause] but first let's turn to ukraine. [laughter]

really, the american audience immediately like did we bomb them? what happened? [laughter] after just a few weeks from when crimea officially joined russia another region of ukraine has said i'll have what she's having. the crisis in ukraine is deepening this morning with the threat of more lost territory. prorussia of a at this times why trying to take control. >> days ago it was just the local government buildings. >> jon: now it's a deli! [ laughter ] wait, wait so in ukraine they are declaring individual buildings independent nations now? sorry this is the republic of the news you are looking for gas station-stan. it's down the street you make at a left at the ussarbys.

why know how big ukrainian army is but it does not appear that they are going to get bogged down with a siege of that building-grad. >> the russian foreign ministry is warning ukraine's government against harming ethnic russians inside the borders. >> jon: what are you talking about these are the proud dennisons of the nation located at 315 boulevard. you might want to use the other entrance it's easier. look. this is not look going for ukraine. it appears russia may be trolling these guys for any excuse to further invade their sovereignty. ukrainians must stand strong and unified to repel this threat. >> a fight breaking out in ukraine's parliament. this came after a lawmaker defended the prorussia activist.

[ laughter ] >> jon: problem solved. what better way to convince russia you are not going to persecute ethnic russians in your country than to beat the (bleep) out of them when they try to talk. it appears there's troubling in the world. the world sends owe you a beacon a cry for help from the world's super hero: america! oh, all right. probably should have seen that beacon 30 years ago. we've let ourselves go. much more flattering signal. go on. >> the united states and our allies will not hesitate to use 21st century tools to hold russia accountable for 19th century behavior. >> jon: that goods for any 19th century russian behavior even writing a complex naturalistic novel that serves as an allegory under the harsh

repression of the czar i'm looking at you tolstoy. any-hoo. >> what are the some of the 21st century tools. >> jon: i'm going with candy crush, twitter, nice. tinder. we will not hesitate to swipe left on rush shanch what are some of these -- a u.s. warship is expected to make a show of presence entering the black sea no latter than thursday. >> jon: nothing says we're using 21st century tools like boats. [ laughter ] vladmir putin seems poised to absorb ukraine's entire russian population. who is to say we'll stop there. our own samantha bee investigates the next stop. >> vladmir putin and nextation of crimea shocked the world and

foreign policy nerds like andrew are concerned that russia will continue to illegal expand the borders. >> >> we're seeing only the ginling. it's quite scary. >> who is it most scary for? the countries that are scared are the ones in the neighborhood. kazakhstan and caucuses at large. >> i don't care about any of knows countries because they are kind of like the same to me. what about our country. should we be afraid? >> i the most troubling part is we don't know what putin wants. he says he is defending ethnic russians. they could be any anywhere. >> what i'm hearing is it could happen here. >> no way. >> give me some odds. >> i think we're talking about astroid hitting the earth. one in a couple trillion. >> what you are saying is it could happen here. >> that's not when i'm saying. you already give met odds. >> can't take it back. too late go to the package. >> it could happen here.

>> so i headed to where piewton is most likely to invade next a far away place where russian language and traditions dominate the local culture. a terrified neighborhood called brighton beach brooklyn, america. skeptical? well, then let's examine the parallels between crimea and brighton beach. why was crimea ripe for the picking? >> the people don't like like the people of the rest ukraine. a lot of people see themselves as exsoviet or russians culturally. >> okay. let's see he if the people of brighton beach are truly russian. criewpy soviet vibe, check. russian style leisure. >> this is your version of sunbathing, check. >> traditional russian attire? of course. strong sense of russianness? >> show of hands who here considers themselves to be ethnically russian.

oh, my okay. dripping wet balls. i'm afraid so. do these people have that uniquely russian je ne sais quoi? give me your best and most beautiful russian smile. [ laughter ] show me your biggest, brightest russian smile lift the corners of your mouth. just lift the corners of your mouth no a smile. [ laughter ] i dare you to look at this video and not smile. here it is. there it is. i knew it. >> except for that. we're so getting invaded. >> i was just in brightan beach.

it can happen here it could happen here. >> i don't think it's going to happen here. putin keeps saying people in ukraine are under the threat of neonazi mobs hunting down ethic russians. >> crimea has marauding groups of guys scaring local russians but there's probably nothing like that in blighton beach. >> -- brighton beach. >> all winter they are here. >> who? >> the guys. >> they come here and drink vodka. >> and vodka, and vodka and then going pee pee. >> they going pee pee everywhere. >> yeah pee pee in the road. >> all over the place. >> (bleep) it is happening here. >> it's not happening here. putin is not moving into brooklyn. >> that's what they all say. and then they come for you in their goddamn neon speedos. leaving me only one choice: condition my body, learn their

customs. your beard hair is tickling me a little bit. [laughter] and do my best to blend in hoping that when my new overlords arrive i'll be on the right side of history. [cheers and applause] >> jon: samantha bee.

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. as you saw in the first act the world around us -- [laughter] -- let's me honest we have some of our own problems right here in america. >> every year you had toes of college students pack their bags. they head to the beach and best defendant anything thats for the most coveted week of the year. it's spring break. >> we he continue to expose what is really going on in spring break in america. >> jon: yes, america's oldest hall monitor, sean hannity, dedicated not one, not two but five different shows on the horrors of spring break including the entire hour on friday featuring a panel of outraged experts there to expose this annual event. you will believe what they found

because you know. [ laughter ] >> yes, people having sex on the beach in public. >> at bundance of the overdrinking. >> the young ladies disgracing themselves running around acting like thank women take their tops off. >> the young girl on the box with no bottom on. >> the sloppy drunken dudes down there. >> guys literally taking their pants off. >> high as a kite. >> drinking, drugs, risky behavior sometimes with tragic results. [laughter] >> jon: shortly after filming that piece that young woman blew out her left butt cheek. [ laughter ] doctors say she may never twerk again. perhaps she'll have to file for twerkman's comp. [cheers and applause]

so you did a week of shows on this. what wisdom did the panel impart? >> my daughter there's no way in hell she's going there. >> jon: well, that makes sense. i assume the same goes for your sons. >> but with my sons i hope they have a great time. >> men and women are equal but we're different. if i had a college son i would say here is $100, have fun. >> jon: let's just all agree that that is sexist and move on to the more pressing issue here. $100? [laughter] he's going to spring break not dave and busters. look. [ laughter ] you are going to get a call three hur hours into spring break thanks for $100 it got me to delaware. [laughter] now i'm just sitting here blowing truckers try to get down to tampa. i don't know what i'm going to have to do to get home. tell mom i love her.

[ laughter ] now some of the more skeptical viewers might think this is less of a news story and more of a reason to show wildly inappropriately t and a footage alongside pundits tssking said footage. but you would only be 99.9% right. this is an in-depth cautionary tale of what could happen when children are not properly raised. >> where are there parents? >> paries need a grip on what going is onth it's up to the parents parents to instruct. it's time for parents to start parenting. >> it comes down to parents. >> jon: where are they? [laughter] what kind of rotten neglectful parents would allow their kids to even go on spring break? >> one time i went to cancun in college. >> i went to ak pokeo and south beach. >> i went to auburn university in the south.

spring break was huge. >> i went to syracuse university went to spring break. >> i went to panama city in 1992. i was at sharkies. i may have been overserved one or two nights. >> you know those places? >> i know those places. >> jon: you do. what kind of (bleep) parents let their kid goes to spring break. oh, right your (bleep) parents. you don't want kids today -- [cheers and applause] -- you clearly don't want kids today doing the terrible things you have such fond memories of doing. i guess if they are going to do it there's one thing would you like them to know, they are doing it wrong. >> what we used to do when we were young put a boom hole, open it up and it was calling shotgun. >> shoot that cup. >> go ahead. >> they have to lean back. it opens up the throat. >> that's just water. >> bend your knees a little bit. that's the little trick.

>> jon: yeah, yeah, yeah bend your knees a little bit. yeah, yeah. show them how terrible it is. [ laughter ] honestly it's the (bleep) weirdest week of tv i've ever seen. perhaps as always the best advice on staying safe came from fox news liberal robert. >> i use aid lot of cocaine in my life. i have had good cocaine and bad cocaine. i guarantee you the stuff they sell them down here is bad. >> jon: remember kids stay in school, get better parents, and don't go to spring break. but if you do, bring your cocaine from home. [ laughter ] i can't stress this enough: when you go on spring break, bring the cocaine you use at home. [ laughter ]

the cocaine you trust. [ laughter ] the cocaine you trust. [ laughter ] and that's the more you do blow

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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. our guest tonight. this guy. this guy can act. he has a new film called "the railway man." >> i did not expect you to be alive. no, of course you didn't. you thought you got away with it. why are you alive? >> why are we alive? >> no, you. why are you alive? you were a war criminal, why didn't they hang you? >> not a war criminal, just an interpreter. >> you knew everything.

why did they let you live? >> jon: that looks really good. please welcome back to the program colin firth. ( cheers and applause ) my man! ( cheers and applause ) that's you right there. ( cheers and applause ) there you go. nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) you are looking well my friend. >> as you are. >> jon: how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> jon: you are so good in this. >> thank you. you saw it? >> jon: no. no, i did see it. it's phenomenal. it's incredibly emotional. and we were just talking about this. so it flips back and forth. i don't want to give... is it okay to say it goes from... >> tell the whole thing it's fine. i'll find out if you are bluffing. >> jon: world war ii to 1980. it goes back and forth. we were thinking 1980 is a period piece.

because the distance of time between 1980 and now is the same amount between 1980 and world war ii. >> hurts, doesn't it? >> jon: it really... >> i was doing a play set in 1952, and i reserved it to as a period piece and my mother was mortified. >> jon: what do you mean it's modern history? >> exactly. the first time i was on your show is probably a period piece now. ( laughter ) >> jon: exactly. a woman asked me tonight when you first started here what was it... i was like when did i first start? was it 42? you clearly now you are in fighting shape. are you doing a boxing movie or something? i've never seen you in this type of fighting shape before? >> people seem to assume i was training for this film which i had done the year before. i know i'm slow to catch up on things. ( laughter ) but i usually try to stay a little bit more ahead of things

than that. i'm playing a spy, i'm an action hero. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: this is the first... >> they applaud before they've seen it. >> jon: this is exciting. this film, the gentleman you are portraying, this is a true story of a gentleman held in thailand. >> captured in singapore, taken to thailand basically as an army of slaves to do this impossible task of building a railway through the jungle. it was an act of mass murder. and more than 100,000 people did die under those conditions. it's the most extreme brutality you could possibly imagine. he survived it. he, like most people, veterans of that experience, bottled it up for decades. he thrived on hatred. >> jon: this is about the trauma, the p.t.s.d. that he experiences. >> exactly, because it probably didn't have a name at the time. he found rather miraculously found the guy he was looking

for. found him to still be alive and went out to kill him. that's what leads to the scene you saw there. >> jon: let me tell you how that scene ends. it's phenomenal. ( laughter ) the gentleman is no longer with us, but his wife is. you met her. >> i met them both. eric passed away about a year and a half ago. and i got to know him. it becomes very personal. >> jon: absolutely. it's not just a job at that point. patty is here in new york talking about the film with us. you know, it's... >> jon: is that the person that whose approval or disapproval was most... >> absolutely. >> jon: ...in the front of your mind. >> absolutely. >> jon: when it was delivered to you i'm assuming in a positive fashion because she's still with the thing, was that a weight off your shoulders? >> a weight off and then on. of course, if she had withheld approval, i don't know how we he would have got going. the fact that we were then trusted to take this precious story. the reason it's precious is out

of this wall of silence this man spoke. it was at great cost. he was speaking for thousands of people who had not spoken and saying over to you. a guy to whom nothing has happened ever. >> jon: i heard you went jogging once. >> i went jogging and somebody was mean to me at school once. ( laughter ) so you know that's what i had to draw on. and, you know, to take this huge story and you've got 90 minutes of screen time to be true it to was... it was an incentive but, yeah there was a little bit on one shoulder. >> jon: beautifully done, my friend. really, really. as always with your stuff except for this new one that sounds ( bleep ) terrible. just kidding. ( laughter ) "the railway man" opens in new york on friday and everywhere april 18. colin firth, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) i'll have the deconstructed martini.

marvelous choice. how exactly does one deconstruct a martini? it's not so much deconstruction of a martini as it is a steampunk reboot of a martini. first we start with the essentials, of course smirnoff and ice. you know we're muddling some cardamom. this is actually tap water from the library of congress. we're just gonna spritz that in there. i like to really curate my herbs. no. you actually have to have a permit to operate one of these but i don't. freshly slapped sage and then like the barest suggestion of mint. you can't really shake it like this if your chakras aren't as well balanced as mine are. i do not like the way those leaves are resting. and, voila! i went to seven years of school for that in stockholm. smirnoff. for the perfect martini, vodka tonic and whatever that is. you are about to become very popular

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it's a place you've been before, but it's not on any map. so go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. ♪ we're all born wild. ♪ let's keep it that way. the 2014 4runner. toyota. let's go places. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> a quarter of a million american college students are expected to visit daytona florida over the next three weeks and they are not studying. what they are doing is having fun. the kind of fun that frankie

avalon and annette funicello never even dreamed possible. >> stephen: tonight, did the c.i.a. go too far to fight terrorism? if you answered yes, the drones are on the way! (laughter) then standardized tests get an update. reading comprehension will now be limited to 140 characters! (laughter) and my guest dame jane goodall has a new book, seeds of hope, wisdom of the world of plants. it's printed on dead plants. new documents allege al sharpton was an informant.